I Dont Cry About It Any More

March 2013, Antelope Island

Since December (when life as I knew it got turned upside down when my husband started going through some stuff) I have had some intense emotions come and go. Throughout the whole journey I have still had a lot of joy and hope. Since I came back to California though in late April, I have had to place my hopes elsewhere and get on with the grieving process. And it is a process with sort of a life of its own, but I let it happen organically and I found that about an hour a day of weeping was all that seemed to be necessary. Then it became less and less frequent and soon it was a week or two between crying sessions.

Recently, however, moving, and pulling up my roots has triggered some serious root chakra issues, and so luckily I had a healing session scheduled with my own energy healer last week. Yes, I have my own healer(s) and my own hypnotherapist and I have yoga/meditation teachers! We are all blind to some amount of our own stuff and I am smart enough to know that. So I keep up with my self care.

We cleared some serious issues around not being supported and I felt pretty good, but I asked her to intuitively look into my right thigh. There is dark spot there in my handwriting. Handwriting analysis--something I am trained in--can show physical problems as well as subconscious behaviors and more. This spot has been in that region of my handwriting since forever, but I rarely feel any kind of pain there, so it has just been a mystery, but not an urgent one. When I do feel pain there, the only way I can describe it is that I feel like the right side of my right thigh is evaporating.

So we got into it, and to get straight to the mystery solved part, the outside of the right leg has to do with men/masculine, and we found that the cause of this "spot" went down to the soul level. It had to do with some people I knew in the pre-mortal life who chose to follow Satan, particularly one man.

So we witnessed God/Christ heal it, and I went on with my day of packing. It wasn't until that night, however, when I was saying my prayers with Phoebe that I realized what we had actually discovered and cleared. It was not just sadness for friends who had chosen Satan's side. It was about one man. A man that I loved. A man that was my partner. And he had gone and done what he wanted, and it was not what was right. (Sounds familiar.) And I had been rejected, abandoned, and sad about it ever since. The realization swept over me with such force that I just started weeping uncontrollably. Phoebe got very concerned and started praying for me that I would be okay and stop crying.

When I was finally able to stop weeping (only about 5 minutes really), I realized that this explained so much about my life story. All the abandonment. All the loss. Men who try to destroy me, then blame me for the problem. I realized that it was all part of my sacred contract--to learn how to heal from abandonment and loss become rejection proof. I have done this through some really intense oneness with God and coming to an experiential knowledge that I am accepted and loved by God.

In the post-cry calm, I felt overwhelming gratitude for Rocky, for being willing to take an incarnation (for lack of a more Mormon term) and his specific challenges that would help me to learn this, even if it didn't happen in the highest and best way. I feel so grateful. I know that God is preparing great blessings for me. It's an amazing feeling to know you have accomplished a big part of your sacred contract.

For the last few days I feel nothing but joy, and I am so ready for and excited about my new life. (It was interesting timing. I think the day of my session was the same day as my divorce was final.)

I do wish Rocky could experience the same growth and joy, but maybe he will someday, like the Phoenix rising out of the ashes. I pray for that. But I don't cry about it anymore!

Joy!