Tuesday, July 2, 2013

10 Months Later - Another Rebirth

In august of last year I wrote a blog post about why I though getting married in September 1st was a good idea. I loved that it was the 9th month into a rebirthing year for me and my teacher has said that your destiny really begins when you get married. I certainly felt that way this time around. I knew Rocky and I had a joint destiny and it was brilliant. So now that we are past 9 months into marriage, I think it is time to write another update. I don’t know why, but we do seem to travel through rebirths in 9 month phases. One of my teachers once said, “don’t try to measure your progress—just circle a date on the calendar 9 months from now and then look back and see how you have changed.”

I will cover it in trimesters.

The first 3 months of marriage were amazing. My favorite parts were having family home evening together (Rocky gave cool lessons that always included drawing things out so Phoebe could understand. He’s a great teacher). I also loved having family prayer and brushing teeth together and riding bikes together. Rocky and I would read together from John and from the book of Revelation. We also read aloud from other books we each really loved. For the most part, I was super happy and would have moments where I’d catch my breath and ask, is this real? My favorite thing was meditating together. We only did a 7 minute Kirtan Kriya together (back to back) and not every day, but it was sort of mind-blowingly awesome when we did.

Don’t get me wrong, there was some stress--okay, there was a lot of it. For one, about a week after we came home from our honeymoon we got full custody of my daughter because her step-mom was giving her black eyes at her dad’s house. It was not cool, to say the least, but thankfully it was the end of that nightmare.

There were also some serious tears on Phoebe’s part because her best friend moved away and she sort of thought that it was Rocky that made her friend move away (magical thinking.) But this was usually helped with some tickle fests and Rocky threatening to smooch her--which she secretly loved.

There was also the stress that Rocky moved here and didn’t have a job. We were sure he’d get one, but then he still didn’t have one months later. I was working a lot and trying to balance having Phoebe around all the time.

A few months in we had our first argument. I don’t remember the details, but it was like many first fights, when one or both people recognizes their essential elements in the other. And depending on what those elements are (anger, victimhood, laziness, etc.) dictates how the argument goes. I was kind of glad it happened, because it was an opportunity for me to learn a lot of things about myself and about Rocky. It took me several days of intense meditation, but in the end I think I worked through decades worth of stuff and felt much lighter and happier. I also started to make changes to reduce our stress. I’m not sure how Rocky processed it, but he became very quiet for 2 weeks and we dropped off meditating as much together, though I still kept up my daily practice.

At the end of December I had a miscarriage. I haven’t written about it yet because I’m still processing it. It was very early… essentially just a late period, but I knew. I knew from the moment I conceived, and it was confirmed when I saw the ball of tissue fall out of me. This explained lots of things that I was feeling and some of my freak out about Rocky not having a job. His employment status didn’t bother me till the moment I got pregnant and then the momma bear instinct—you need to support us!—came out strongly. There were a few other stressers that happened right around the 3rd month, yet still I felt very happy and blessed.

Going into the second trimester Rocky still wasn’t talking much. He started sleeping a lot. I felt abandoned and tried to talk about it, but he would just draw in his notebook. Then one day he came home and told me that he resented me and didn’t want to have children with me because I was abusive. He didn’t love me. He went and got an oil change, returned his library books, packed up his stuff, and drove back to Utah.

It is still surreal to think about. He spent all day packing and I spent the whole time trying to look into his eyes and talk to him. I asked how I had abused him? How many times he felt I had hurt him? He said, two times. I asked if he’d like to go talk to someone. No. He never wanted to see me again. It was like there was a veil over his eyes. The lights were out.

I spent the next two weeks trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I did a lot of energy work on myself and fasting and praying. Then I realized that there were several realities. I had mine, Rocky had his, and God had one. I prayed to see things as God saw them, and I started to see that there was more going on. I flew to Utah on Christmas Day to talk to Rocky. He said that 80% of the time I was great. 10% of the time i was arrogant and 10% of the time I was a real jerk. I thought those numbers were pretty darn good, because I don't know any 100% perfect people, but I still tried to apologize and see things from his point of view.  

 I felt a very strong prompting to stay there--for a few months. So on a day’snotice I packed up Phoebe and our house and sublet it to some wonderful actors and all things were provided for me in a miraculous way. The rest of that trimester was spent in my dear friend Heather Farrell’s basement under about 10 feet of snow and the coldest winter on record. I did a lot of praying, meditating, fasting, reading all kinds of things but mostly scriptures and poetry, fasting, going to the temple, taking a poetry class, seeing some wonderful friends, homeschooling Phoebe, and occasionally seeing and interacting with Rocky. At first he was extremely dark. Then he seemed to lighten a little, but then plunged deep into anger and darkness again.

This was excruciating for me, but at every painful moment I was lifted up and given new information and revelation and comfort. And despite so much darkness, I still had so much faith and joy.  So many miracles happened I can’t name them all, and at last the snow melted and the sun came out.

By the end of March, Heather was moving to Iowa and we had nowhere else to go, and all rescue efforts regarding Rocky seemed like they could be done just as well from California since he refused to see me. God let me know that He was going to lead me back to a place of joy. So we have been in back in our home in Los Angeles for the last 3 months. On the way home to CA we stopped in Arizona and stayed with Lani, which was wonderful and healing. She is truly a soul mate. Then we went to a beach house for a few weeks in Laguna beach. Also super healing.

Along the way, I got so much personal revelation. Some visions. Some dreams. One of these visions is where I first got a glimpse of the pre-existence and Rocky and I making promises to each other.

Apparently we both knew this would happen. We agreed to go through it in order to grow and make us and our marriage stronger. I heard myself say “I’ll do it. I’ll do it for us.” And then Rocky made me promise not to give up on him. I promised. He made me promise 3 times.

So I didn’t give up. I had so much hope and faith and I continued to gain spiritual gifts and learn all kinds of new things about healing at an exponential pace. It really is amazing when I think of all I learned. Here is a condensed list:

I learned about devils—that they are real--and what that means for us. I learned how to return love for evil. I increased my energy healing knowledge and skill by the power of 10, maybe more. I learned about undiagnosed mental illness and how much chaos and sadness it can cause and how even supportive and loving families unintentionally enable it. I learned a meditation technology and several other wild technologies straight from God for healing/resolving bipolar disorder and PTSD and other severe mental illnesses. I learned that fasting produces miracles. I learned about chain-breaking. I learned about pre-mortal wounds. I learned about sacred contracts. I met Sarah Hinze who is another one of my soul mates. I became much more intuitive. I would even dare say I am now a medical intuitive. I became an accidental homeschooler and I love it. I learned to love unconditionally. I learned to forgive. I learned a lot about Joseph Smith and the history of the church and I am constantly filled with amazement now whenever I see a temple or a church or a large gathering of saints. It is amazing what God can make of a man if that man is willing to let him. There is much more I learned that I can't categorize. 

I had my faith tested many times. Some of you know that for the last year and a half my intention for my sadhana(daily practice) has been an increase of faith. We are taught that we should have faith to move mountains, so if that was possible, I didn’t want to live below my spiritual means. I now have the assurance that I CAN move mountains and command the elements.

I realize now that what I have gone through the last 6 months has put me about 20 years ahead of where I was. God has prepared me with great speed to be the level of spiritual teacher he needs me to be now. Even though I had loved meditation for years, I was still kind of a baby and a dabbler just a year and a half ago. I am now, without question, at the level of someone with much more experience, even my teacher has noticed. I see now that God has been preparing me to lead the way into the future and help usher in the second coming.  

As far as my Sacred Contract goes, I have no doubt I have gotten what I contracted to out of this experience and I am so grateful. I am truly walking in the light of my fire and the sparks that I have kindled.

I can’t speak for Rocky, because I don’t know him anymore. Things have not turned out how I hoped or thought they would as I began this journey.  I still have faith that God will fulfill all his promises to me, but I can only be patient to see who that unfolds in unexpected ways. 

Though I have great faith and much joy, I am also grieving. It is sad. I still love Rocky and haven’t given up on his true self, but I haven’t seen that self in so long, and he’s not willing to let me help him or love him. He still says I am abusive and he cannot forgive me. From what I can tell, he is functional enough now. He has filed for divorce. He has a job, and he acts like everything is fine, though anyone can see from his exterior that he is in a dark place. He has been occasionally blogging, and while he still blogs about religious topics and religious symbolism, I can no longer endorse anything he writes.  

If this is the first time you have heard about any of this and you are shocked, I apologize for keeping it a secret. I didn’t want anyone to judge him or to judge me or judge the situation before I let it play out.

There was no doubt it was right when we married. It was oozing with rightness and everyone knew it. I am sometimes confused by this, especially that God so very clearly gave me the thumbs up and said "do it sooner than later."  But I praise Him for knowing more than I do. I have given all He has asked and more. But Rocky is using what he has of his agency and I can only deal with the cards dealt me in this moment. And right now the cards tell me to lovingly release him and move forward. I appreciate your loving prayers as I do this.

I am pretty sure he will never read this himself, but if any of his friends or family members read this, know that I love him unconditionally and I will never give up on his true self. But I now have to move on and heal and take care of myself and my daughter and raise her in light and truth.

Even as he is now, I still love him and admire him, but there is a difference between loving someone unconditionally and enabling them. It was Rocky who introduced me to the idea of anam cara, which means “noble friend.” A noble friend is one that will love you unconditionally, but will also call you on your stuff in a loving way when others won't or can't. When Rocky was his true self, he did this for me. I hope that if you call yourself his friend you will do this for him, too, when you feel moved upon to do so.

Along with this rebirth, several other things have come about. One is that God is taking me to my own promised land. I can’t tell you how joyful this makes me and I will write about it soon. For now, I appreciate your prayers and love, and please continue to pray for Rocky as well. Also, the fourth of July is coming up and it’s my favorite holiday (I love fireworks!). It is also the worst holiday to be alone, in my opinion, so if you are having a party or fireworks and want to invite me and Phoebe, we’d love to come.


  1. Oh, Felice...I am so sorry. Loving and healing thoughts.

  2. Many many prayers for you and your family.

  3. Sweet Felice - I only read a few blogs & yours is one of them, but I never comment. I've always found it interesting in Lehi's vision that after he has partaken of the fruit & felt joy & is desirous for his family to do the same, he sees them, calls them with a "loud voice" (so he is very clear about what he wants) but he never leaves the tree to go get them. That is a lesson for all of us: no matter what people around us are doing, including those very close to us, we never leave the tree. It seems like you know this & continue to partake of the love of God, so all will be well with you. Only when we increase our distance from our Heavenly Father & Savior are we at risk, but when we stay close to Them, miraculously, all suffering is consecrated to our gain. I fasted and prayed for you back when you posted that request, and I will keep you & your daughter in my prayers. Wishing you all the best and thank you for your blog.

    1. Thank you Carrie. I love this insight. Thank you for your prayers.

  4. I don't know you Felice, but after reading this I cannot help but wish you all the best. May God be with you and your daughter.

  5. Felice,
    Not sure of appropriate etiquette here, but I want to affirm your gifts and the grand purposes of the talents you have developed. I don't ever want to minimize pain or difficulty, but my goodness, it is never wasted. Consider the Joseph of Nauvoo (following Missouri and Liberty Jail): In Illinois he ascended to new heights of understanding,and unveiled the face of God.
    Blessings of joy and peace to you and your daughter. Thank you for your courage in sharing your gifts so freely. Hope you had a wonderful 4th!
    Sat Nam

    1. Thank you Andy. I feel great peace and many blessings. And I had a great 4th.

  6. Oh Felice, my heart grieves with you. You've carried this burden so gracefully. I admire your ability to "drink the bitter cup without becoming bitter." To steal another metaphor from Nephi, every now and again I come upon a "Land Bountiful" in my life. Everything about it feels right and I know it is an intended part of my journey. So, when God asks me to figuratively build a boat, pack up, leave what I thought was my promised land, and cross the ocean, it sure is hard! I'm praying that God's "beauty for ashes" brings about the sweetest future for you and your dear Phoebe.

  7. There is so much I would like to say to you. Felice, my heart is with you. I did not know until now, why I have felt drawn to your blog. You are my sister in this trial. I have been through this heartbreak. The light and joy of a temple marriage, knowing it was right, the undiagnosed mental illness, enabling, abuse, Blaming myself and finally a divorce. Instead of months though my journey has taken years. 20 years of sorrow, joy, children, prosperity, poverty, lonely times, and growth. 6 Of those years as a single mom. Learning to trust in the Lord, and fulfill my life's mission.
    Even though I am far away in Wyoming. I want to let you know I care, I understand some of what you are going through. I wish you were closer so I could visit with you face to face. Sending a hug your way!

  8. I wish I could sit and talk with you. Now I know why I have been so drawn to your blog. We are sisters in this trial. you have experienced some of the same things I have. I understand the joy and light of a temple marriage, knowing that it was "right", the undiagnosed mental illness of my husband, the pain, the happiness lost, the struggle to find help, self doubt, family members who enable, confusion, sorrow, and finally a divorce. What you have experienced in months I experienced in years. 13 years of marriage plus 6 more years of being single, homeschool mom. Learning to trust in the Lord. Thank you for sharing your experience, there is not much comfort I can give, except that I am praying for you and would like be your friend. Sending a hug from Wyoming. Ginger

    1. Thank you Ginger. You have only commented a few times, but I have felt a kinship to you too. Thank you for your love. This trial has been short, but it was not my first rodeo. It actually illuminated what was going on all those years (11) with my ex -5 together and 6+years of drama afterward. The major difference is that this marriage was right and I loved this one and we had and could still have a great future. But I praise God for knowing all and I trust that he has something awesome planned. Maybe you and I will get to chat in real life soon.

  9. Hello Felice, we have never met, and you may or may not have heard of me. I have known Rocky since about 1998. When you two got married, I was very excited for him. Then he dropped off Facebook (again) and I started to wonder what happened. I found your blog today, and read this post. I'm not quite sure what I want to say, or how to say it. My soul reaches out to you. I hope you feel the comfort of someone far away who somewhat understands what you have gone through. Not because I've gone through it personally, but because I have seen Rocky do this pattern over and over again, and I agree that undiagnosed/untreated mental illness is at the heart of it. He completely shuts down, and then he leaves. I've read some of your other posts, and I'm touched by how in tune you are with your spiritual journey. I'm especially touched by what you have to say about Rocky, about the purpose of this marriage in your eternal path, and your ability to accept and assimilate this experience, overcoming fear, bitterness, and I'm sure anger. I also love Rocky (as a friend, we never dated), and have been heartbroken and disappointed with some of the choices he has made. I pray for him as well.

    In addition, your blog is a source of inspiration to me right now. We're having our own trial right now and I'm having the hardest time handing my will over to the Lord. I'm glad I found your blog!


    1. Alicia, Thank you so much for your words and for your love and for your prayers for Rocky. I will pray for you on whatever journey you are on right now. I trust that you will come out radiant. I hope to meet you in person someday. Many blessings. Sat Nam.