Mono Fast Diary - Bliss To Tantrum To Sobbing To Peace (Days 4-5)

Day 4-  Pure bliss. I went to LA and dropped in on a KY Teacher training with Harijiwan and Tej for the day and by the end of the night every cell in my body was literally vibrating. Vibrating so I could feel it. It was incredible. I felt like I could see out of every cell in my body. I was omnipresent. We did a really powerful meditation series to basically blow out the karma from your life and establish your destiny so you never get blown over (we blew on our hands like a mirror)  It was so wild. It was nice to have food to eat and not worry about what I would be eating. I like the new recipe I found. It's sweeter. Not so freaking spicy. And I feel strong. Very strong and energized.

Last night I noticed some very different elimination... and this morning the pattern continued. The first few days pooping was like normal. which has always been fine for me. I have good digestion. But last night it was like old stuff was being released and it didn't want to go. This morning more of it went. And it didn't protest. I feel like I am being cleaned out and simplifying.

Elimination is really what it's all about. I don't I really realized that before. But that is what fasting is. You eliminate food--or certain foods. And in so doing you eliminate emotional attachments and toxic feelings, and you eliminate literal toxins. Yogi Bhajan says if you don't figure out how to eat in the first 18 years of your life, and you don't figure it out in the second 18 years, you are basically done. After age 36, all your body is doing is trying to digest. It doesn't have any energy to do anything else. That's why people fall apart after age 36. Usually they don't notice it till 40, though. 40 gets a bad rap. It all starts at 36. The second life cycle.

I am realizing how much time per day I spend thinking about food or preparing meals or shopping or thinking about shopping. Or what I will eat next. Or what Amarjot will eat next. I am doing less of that now. I still cook once a day or heat up the batch I already made, or make a fruit smoothie. But it is so simplified. I think simple should be my other word of the year. I guess peace is simple. Simple creates peace. Maybe. Thinking about it. This scripture came to me from a friend:

And on this day thou shalt do none other thing, only let they food be prepared with singleness of heart that thy fasting may be perfect, or in other words, that thy joy may be full.  (D&C 59:13)

So much in such there. It seems that in this verse food is still being prepared even though they talk about fasting. So that is good to hear for everyone who things that fasting is only xyz. Also I love that it is all for a fullness of joy.

Day 5 - I went to Stake Conference today and I can't help but notice everyone's issues. They are wearing them. It's so hard to miss now. I also see their contributions and their joys but I see a lot of sorrow. I see a lot of people who are married who are unhappy and I see why. I see that they are each propelled by one main (subconscious) thought form that they don't even understand and they are responding to the other person's thought forms. People rarely interact with each other, just with each other's subconscious thought form, or thought monsters. And I feel like I know what would help them. But I am now a two time divorcee, and so probably limited on the street cred. But I realize how much those experiences helped me and catapulted me. And zero'ed my ego. At least for a time. The ego is constantly trying to get back it's ground. But I have made huge improvements in my relays (relationships are a relay between two ships-- Yogi B would say). I am more conscious now. I don't jump into something just because it has karma written all over it. Not everyone that you are soul mates with you should marry. Or even date. It's important to be conscious. No need to get blood on the floor.

Love is not what people think it is. I wanted to pick Love for my word of the year, but it's too convoluted of a word and so God suggested Peace instead.

After church I was in such a malaise. I felt so blech! I was soooo annoyed because I had such a high yesterday I couldn't understand why today I felt like I had regressed 10 years. Seriously. So many negative thoughts. I finally had to turn the mantras up in every rooms so that there was no room for anything else. Then after dinner I was cuddling with Amarjot and I spontaneously asked her if she would guide me on a journey. She is really good. She has had a few experiences with journeys and I think she learned a lot from them, or is just a natural. So she relaxed me and brought me into state and then asked me to go to a special place. It was not my usual place. It was a cabin in Montana somewhere and I was indoors. But outside was spring time. She asked me if there was anyone there I needed to talk to.

I was expecting it to be Jesus--but my mother came. And as soon as she showed up, I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. And sobbed some more. And I realized--with some surprise at how I had totally missed this connection-- that food is all about nurturing and Mother.  And I missed her. And I was deprived of her when I was coming of age. She just let me cry and she held my head. And then Heavenly Mother came and they took away my fear and sadness. Then I talked to them about how to be a better mom. I sometimes feel lost with older children because I have no model. After age 7 my mom was down with cancer. So while I did have her for 5 years more, she was often sick mom. And here I was being sick mom with Amarjot. I wanted to be something different. So they helped me.

As I was in the journey I kept feeling these energy spasms in my feet. But eventually they quieted down. After I came out of the journey, Amarjot looked at me like a wise old sage and said calmly, You were glowing. I could see the energy coming out of your feet and going around your body back to your head. Like this... she gestured.

Then we cuddled and she said, The words of this song are coming into my mind... And she stared singing the chorus from A Child's Prayer. The words are

Pray, He is there.
Speak, He is listening.
You are His child.
His Love now surrounds you.

When we got to the last line, she had an Aha moment and gestured again about the energy she had seen around my body. I realized that this was a post imagery message for me. His love now surrounds you.

God is Good and Kind.