Monday, June 4, 2018

Providing- The Next Level

A few years ago or more I went on a prosperity journey. I have really been on it this whole time, but sometimes you don't realize you are moving till the big leaps. I recently had a big leap. And just so the universe could prove it to me, a grasshopper landed on my yoga mat while I was doing a prosperity kriya, and stayed till I was done. I looked up grasshopper medicine in my favorite animal totem site and they explained that the grasshopper is symbolic of leaping forward, as well as other things.

Just to be clear, prosperity encompasses a lot of things, not just money, but lets talk about money. It's the big one. I had some bad programming about money for a long time. I made huge progress a few years ago using my awesome tools and I felt like I had it all figured out. God was my rich father, and I was all taken care of. Nothing left to worry about. I put in my order, and like a vending machine, what I wanted or needed showed up. I have written several blog posts about this in the past, and one that stands out particularly to me right now about providing for women.  In it, I basically said I had it all figured out (because I had dealt with all my limiting unconscious beliefs) and I encouraged everyone to root out their own limiting beliefs.

Well..... Ha hahahahahaha. There was more to learn. It seems that there are always higher laws and the Soul doesn't rest for long before it is ready to progress again.

Basically for the last year and a half or more I was in this weird place of struggle. I was living a life of bounty and was surrounded by abundance. I live in a citrus orchard for heavens sake. If you want to understand abundance, go visit a citrus orchard. There is so much abundance that nature can drop half of it on the ground and there is still plenty for all. Yet I wasn't fully partaking.

God was showing me: this is how abundant I am, and how it can be for you.  Yet a lot of areas of my life were not working that way. It seemed that I was energetically vomiting up the prosperity that They kept trying to give me--not just financial, but in other ways, too. I'll get to that later.

I have had about a billion new downloads this spring that I am ready to share with everyone who is ready to receive them, but I can't do it all in one blog post. So I'm preparing a webinar presentation soon. But for now, I want to share a couple of things about providing because I can't just leave that old post out there without an updated next level now that I understand there is another level.

Let's skip all the back story even though it is important. No one seems to have an attention span for blog posts anymore. Here are the cliff notes.

After the Thomas fire, I had to do some healing so I was doing it with a great person I trust. (Every good therapist has one!) One of my big issues was with the word "Enough."  There are lots of good connotations for that word-- such as the hebrew root: "to rest," and the Hawaiian meaning: "connected to God." But in my subconscious enough was a trigger. Nothing about it worked no matter how I spun it. We discovered that the image I associated with the word enough was an image of my mother emaciated and dying of cancer. She was in her bed and someone came over and brought her a tangerine. She hadn't eaten much fruit in a couple years because she had been on a special diet trying to cure herself of cancer. At this point, I think she knew cancer was going to win and so she ate the tangerine. And she was obsessed with how yummy it was. She couldn't believe it.

That memory is sad to me. The way I saw it, she didn't enjoy the sweetness of life for so many years because she was trying to fight cancer. And who knows maybe her diet did help her, and maybe there were other forms of sweetness in her life...but in my subconscious, I saw this as really unfair. 

It's super ironic that I now live in a TANGARINE orchard. And though I have been enjoying the sweetness of a lot of tangerines, in a other ways I was doing the same thing as I saw my mother--living in a flow of sweetness and not able or allowing myself to enjoy it fully.

Why was I doing this? Only now do I know that in some twisted way, my subconscious was producing this behavior as a way of making life fair.  If my mother didn't get to, then I shouldn't either.

Wow! Perfect logic to the child-like subconscious, but not at all serving my life now. So I changed the program, using one of the many tools in my vast toolbox. Immediately, the vending machine seemed to be turned on again. I was offered some huge prosperity miracle--an impossible thing that became possible, worth many thousand of dollars. I also had my daughter's school agree to adopt a yoga curriculum. I had been a little unhappy with the way her last year at school went. I wasn't going to send her back to school there. I was not sure where I was going to send her. I was thinking I would have to start my own middle school where we did yoga every day. But now I don't have to. Her school was perfect, it just needed yoga every day. Now she will get that, and all the kids at the school will benefit!

Even though I thought I had dropped back into the flow, I wasn't done yet. Not long after, another huge trigger word came up about providing. If you read my old blog post you can tell I really hated the idea of a woman "providing." I was ok with women working and having careers and being power people but I felt like they shouldn't have to provide. It was like a dirty word.

When I did the work I saw I had a false belief that someone else should provide for me because I was not capable. Which is weird because I obviously think I'm capable enough to start my own school or write a book or make a movie or travel the world or help people heal from serious trauma.

The image associated with the word provide was a spider sucking the blood of a fly. Ha! I had all these distorted ideas, probably from Mormon collective consciousness, that the man is supposed to do that job and if I do it I am usurping the man's role and I'll emasculate him or I might not ever get a man that provides because why should he when I am already doing it. I'd just attract takers who will suck me dry, etc, etc. Those were the hidden fears and beliefs.

The thing about false beliefs is that when we don't know they are false and we believe them we only see evidence that supports them as being true. That's how the mind words. Tricky. This is why it's manifestly helpful to have a teacher or therapist who understands the subconscious and can help you identify the blocks when you are ready.

I felt frustrated a lot the last year and a half because things didn't come as easy. I used to be able to just give that to God and let HIM take care of it. And it wasn't working that way anymore.  I kept thinking I was doing something wrong or that God had abandoned me for some unknown reason.

What was happening was that in most areas of my life I was unified with God: creating, capable and prosperous. But In the things I classified under the subheading of "providing," I was not unified w God. I was giving away my power and hoping someone else would do it for me.

What did this look like? Well, I could buy tickets to Europe or to the opera, no worries. I could feel fine buying things for decorating the house, but paying for the house or groceries or paying for school tuition was super stressful to me.

I couldn't let it go using my "figure it out brain."  I had to use some tools I had that would take me to a higher level. What tools and how is for another conversation. But magically, after years and years of this pattern, poof.

I felt the change. I looked out the window at the cute succulent palate against the guest house wall and thought about how God and I together (unified) can easily provide both the necessities and the beautifies of life for my family. And how a good man (like my current sweet heart) can do the same. Both partners can do both. Neither has a monopoly on one way of working with God. 

And though in the past, church leaders may have felt and said that fathers/men were best equipped to provide the temporal needs of the family and the mothers/women to do the nurturing, I realize that our understanding of these words, and the idea of equal partnership, needs to be examined. When my eyes were opened, there were much deeper layers. 

I keep thinking how Jesus Christ contained all the qualities that are sometimes divided up in the masculine and feminine traits. But he contained all of them and so in order for us to be like Jesus we need to each (male or female) develop all of them too.

Then when both parties in a partnership contain all these qualities and are truly equal partners, it creates such a powerful prosperity energy!  Some of the back story I skipped is that I have been dating a wonderful and stable man who is both a provider and a nurturer.  I just didn't know this was possible because I didn't know there were men like him. I have only been able to see and allow this as I have changed my false beliefs. It's been a slow un-peel. But not that slow, I guess. Some people never get out of their patterns--especially financial patterns.  

So since this healing it is just as joyful to earn the money that goes for the house payment as it is to earn money that goes for the retreat to somewhere great. Because they have to get paid, so I might as well let go of resentment about it and enjoy co-creating with God. So while I enjoyed prosperity before, there seemed to be a flux around the days "provider-type" bills were due! Now my client schedule is steadily full with people happily paying my full rate. I will soon have to start a waiting list for new clients. But they won't have to wait too long, because I am doing the best work of my life (with God) and people are leaping and healing so quickly. My retreats are selling out. But the biggest prosperity in my life is that my boyfriend (now fiancee) does sadhana with me every day, and my daughter is happier than she has been in a few years. God and I! Providing bountifully together. Yay! 

I acknowledge that there will always be more to learn, and things will shift again and again as life shifts. Providing is a practice I now see as not just temporal but deeply spiritual as well. 

*I wish I could write a whole book with my recent mind exploding downloads but you'd have to wait a year or more. So stay tuned to my newsletter and I'll be sharing some prosperity healing and leaping tools and practices in a webinar soon.