Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Help Me Publish My Book - Awake As In Ancient Days: The Christ-Centered Kundalini Yoga Experience

As you may know, I finished writing my book. It's really cool to be done because now I know what is in it. And let me tell you, it's awesome. Or Sierra can tell you. Or Lani. They edited most it the first go round. But I'll tell you that it is better than I could have imagined. It's also longer than I imagined. This is a good thing for those who, upon finding my blog read the entire thing in a few days. Wow! I didn't know people do that. But it's clear there is a desire for more on this topic. And in this book you will get more, deeper, and better stuff than I post here, and all in one place. And with lots of pictures and instructions on how to do the meditations and kriyas.
Here is a picture of my lovely stack of single spaced pages.
I was hoping to have it out by April 26 when I speak at the AZ Whole-istic Living Conference. But it looks like that would require too much craziness and cost too much money. And I am doing this to help make people's lives better not to stress myself and others out. So it looks like I'll be doing pre-sales at the AZ event and in the mean time I am inviting readers to support the speedy publication of this book. Yes. I decided to self-publish. It should be no secret now that we self-published The Gift of Giving Life on our own imprint Madison & West Publishers. And it did so well that it was easy to get a distributor within a few months. I hope for and expect the same with this book. The more people who have it in their hands, the better the world can be. Yay! So here is my video and a link to donate funds to the project. By donating you'll get special privileges and gifts and blessings. If all goes well it should be out by end of May or early June. Sat Nam!

Monday, March 24, 2014

Jesus On the Lean Donkey

Jesus on the lean donkey,
this is an emblem of how the rational intellect
should control the animal soul.
                                                Let your spirit 
be strong like Jesus.
                               If that part of you becomes weak,
then the worn-out donkey grows into a dragon.

Be grateful when what seems unkind
comes from a wise person.
                                         Once a holy man,
riding his donkey, saw a snake crawling into
a sleep man's mouth! He hurried, but he couldn't
prevent it. He hit the man several blows with his club.

The man woke terrified and ran beneath an apple tree
with many rotten apples on the ground.
You miserable wretch! Eat."
                                           "Why are you doing this to me?"
"Eat more, you fool."
                                "I've never seen you before!
Who are you? Do you have some inner quarrel with my soul?"

The wise man kept forcing him to eat, and then he ran him.
For hours he whipped the poor man and made him run.
Finally, at nightfall, full of rotten apples,
fatigued, bleeding, he fell
                                         and vomited everything,
the good and the bad, the apples and the snake.

When he saw the snake
come out of himself, he fell on his knees
before the assailant.
                                "Are you Gabriel? Are you God?
I bless the moment you first noticed me. I was dead
and didn't know it. You've given me new life.
Everything I've said to you was stupid!
I didn't know."
                      "If I had explained what I was doing, you might have panicked and died of fear.

Muhammad said,
                         "If I described the enemy that lives 
inside men, even the most courageous of you would be paralyzed. 
No one would go out, or do any work. No one would pray or fast,
and all power to change would fade
from human beings."
                               so I kept quiet
while I was beating you, that like David
I might shape iron, so that, impossibly
I might put feathers back into a bird's wing.

God's silence is necessary, because of humankind's
faintheartedness. If I had told you about the snake,
you wouldn't have been able to eat, and if
you hadn't eaten, you wouldn't have vomited.

I saw your condition and drove my donkey hard
into the middle of it, saying always under my breath,
"Lord, make it easy on him." I wasn't permitted
to tell you, and I wasn't permitted to stop
beating you!"
                     The healed man, still kneeling,
"I have no way to thank you for the quickness
of your wisdom and the strength
of your guidance.
                          God will thank you."

 --Rumi (translation by Coleman Barks)

Friday, March 21, 2014

Letters From Heaven

About a month ago I was sort of poo-pooing dreams as a lower form of subconscious communication. But then I had this dream.

I dreamed I received a large envelop in the mail. I was filled with  dread because in my life experience, large manila envelopes have always carried bad news. But this envelope was white. I opened it carefully, and inside were large pieces of butcher paper that had been folded in fourths to fit the envelope. They were children's paintings. Like the ones my daughter made in kindergarten. And I had the realization that they were from the children of the parents I had taught to meditate. They were saying thank you. Thank you for teaching our parents to meditate.

Image Source
Then, in a strange moment of clarity where I knew that I was dreaming, I realized that these letters were not from this world. They were from the unborn children of the parents I have taught to meditate.

I was filled with their sweetness and gratitude and felt the fullness of what it means to be a spiritual teacher. The joy, the legacy.

And I realized that dreams are still a very valid form of communication.

* * * * * *

I am gathering art for my book, and I would love your children's art. If you have any that resembles chakras, trees, people happy and meditating, or just modern, abstract art, I'd love to consider the for my book. (A high res scan is best.) May your children be blessed through you and may you be blessed through the children here and those to come. Sat Nam.

New Kids On the Block and Oranges

I just wanted to say thank you for all the love sent my way after my Melt Down post. I felt like a baggywrinkle for a few more days, but all is well now. I think I picked up a few wayward spirits at the cemetery. Blech. Grief makes one vulnerable. But I let them go and cleared a few more 12-year-old anger beliefs and things and then had about 20 crazy dreams in one night (serious releasing). Then yesterday, on the spring equinox, I went to a Kundalini Yoga class and during a gong nap I kept thinking about the New Kids on the Block. Yes, them.

The thought would go, and another random New Kids related memory would come up. I was starting to wonder what was going on with my brain, and then I realized it wasn't random at all. It was totally related to age 12-13 stuff I have been processing. So they were bound to come up. I happily realized that I was probably clearing the last of this round of "stuff" and I felt so light and like myself again. What a relief to know that I was right, the funk did not last. And now that we are on this side of the spring equinox, there will be more light than darkness.

New life.

I love spring. The smell coming from my orange orchards is positively intoxicating right now. I wish I could post a smell.

Well, I actually can, but only some of my readers will be advanced enough to smell it. And only if you get really close......

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Kundalini Yoga and Our Adoption Miracles - Mandi's Story

My book is done, but I don't have a firm date when it will be out. But I just had to share this awesome story from Mandi that she sent me for the book. She wrote this just a few days before their baby was born. I cry every time I read it. For joy.

I was introduced to Kundalini Yoga and Meditation one year ago, and it has changed my life. After a few weeks of doing Kirtan Kriya, I began to feel more calm and balanced. I was more patient with my family. I felt the Spirit strongly every day. I felt inspired, and enlightened. My thoughts changed. My desires and goals changed. I re-did my Vision Board several times, and as I listened to God’s voice my path became clearer. I received great insight to His plan for me. Each morning as I meditated, and then prayed, my heart and mind were opened to amazing things. Let me share with you how these amazing revelations led to the miraculous adoption of our little girl.

We adopted our son Leo, as a newborn, four years ago. He has brought us so much joy. We have hoped and prayed for a second baby to join our family for the last three years. On New Year’s Eve, I was updating my Vision Board for 2014. A friend asked why I had dates on everything, except for the photo “We welcome a healthy new baby into our family.” I told her that it was really on God’s time and that I couldn’t put a date on it. She said “Everything is in God’s time!” She was right, of course. I rewrote it, adding “in January 2014.”

Two weeks later, we got a phone call from our adoption agency. There was a birth mom named J. that was looking at our profile. They emailed us some information about her, and asked if we were interested. I read over the file and learned that J. was in prison, serving time for some drug charges. She had done drugs (Heroin and Meth) during the first two months of the pregnancy, so we were concerned about possible complications for the baby. But we signed the form and submitted it, stating that were we interested in J seeing our file.

Over the next two days, we submitted forms for three other birth mothers who seemed like better matches because there were no drugs or alcohol reported. We were starting to get excited, and feeling like we would be getting a baby very soon. We started preparing the baby room and getting ready.

A few days later, I got another email from the agency about J. It was the final cost breakdown and approval sheet. I let the email sit in my inbox. I didn’t sign it, because I still had some concerns, and besides we were being looked at by those other birth moms. But for two straight days, I had this nagging feeling… “Sign the form”… “Sign the form”…

Friday afternoon the agency called, asking if we had signed the form for J. I asked her a few more questions, and then hung up the phone. I was still very nervous about it. With the form in my hand I said a silent prayer. “God, is this the baby for us? Is she supposed to be in our family? Will she have major health concerns because of the drugs? Will she be okay?” My answer was a single line from a song: “I walk by faith.” and I could hear the tune so clearly in my head. I hummed it out loud, and began to sob, as I signed the form. “I sign by faith.” I felt scared and unsure but also calm. I knew that everything would work out like it was supposed to.

Three days later, we got the call--J. picked us! A baby girl would be joining our family just a week or two later! We were so excited.

The next day we learned a tiny bit more about J. She had conceived in less than ideal circumstances, and she didn’t know much about the father. She did some drugs during the first two months of the pregnancy, and was currently in prison, serving an eight-month sentence. She would be moved to the Hospital for the birth. Our poor little baby. She and her birth mom had been through so much already. I felt incredibly grateful that God had given me some extra tools to help her-- energy work, essential oils, prayer and meditation. I knew that we could help her. I knew that she was going to be okay.

A few days later, I had the most wonderful experience while meditating. I was asking God what the baby's name should be. We liked the names Lucy and Lena for a very long time, and they are both names from our grandmothers, so I asked God what her name should be. The name Mary came to me. I tried to dismiss it because it's such a common name, and we prefer more unique names. But that is what I thought of. Mary.
The following day, as I was praying and meditating about it again, I asked if Lena was the right name. I was told to look it up. The first website that came up said that Lena is a form of Magdalena, as in Mary Magdalena. "Oh- I love her!" I thought. Then I read this paragraph:
Mary Magdalene (or Magdalena), a character in the New Testament, was named thus because she was from Magdala. She was cleaned of evil spirits by Jesus and then remained with him during his entire ministry, witnessing the crucifixion and the resurrection.

Wow! What a perfect name for our little girl, who was coming into this world with so much to overcome. I believed she would need to be cleansed of some evil spirits. She would need Christ's healings, in so many ways. But she would remain with Him--always.

I was so moved by this. I cried silent tears, as I praised God for this beautiful answer to my prayer. I then asked him about a middle name for Lena.

God told me that it should be “Love.” I thought, Really? Love? Is it too cheesy? Would she grow up hating it?

And I heard clearly, “It’s not cheesy. It’s an affirmation. Love will be the affirmation for her life. She will overcome all things with Love.”

Again, I was moved by this tender voice speaking to my heart. Lena Love. What a beautiful name for our beautiful little girl. I could feel her spirit with me, and I could feel the strength of her spirit. She has a special mission on this Earth. And I have a special mission to help her accomplish it. I felt so honored and so blessed to become her mother.

I shared this experience with Felice, and she responded with this:
This morning I was meditating and I felt your baby come to me and I just started weeping. She was saying ‘thank you.’ I don't know why I was privileged with a visit, but it was awesome. She is so happy to come to your family. I think she had a little fear it would never work out. I also got the feeling that you should do some work on her before she is born to clear some DNA stuff from the line she had to come through. My feeling is that it is not a ton of work, but she wants it done before birth.
Felice was booked so she referred me to Wendy, who is an energy healer who also does Kundalini Yoga. I immediately called Wendy, and we did two sessions of energy work for our little Lena. She cleared a lot of blocks, false beliefs, and bad conception-energy. She could also see that during the drug use there were evil entities that entered J’s body, which scared the baby, and this fear was crystallized in her brain. Wendy meditated for two days and was finally able to clear this from the baby and replaced it with healing, peaceful energy. She also cleared the need for addiction, feelings of worthlessness, and a host of other things. We could both feel her aura brighten as she did all of this. It was a powerful and spiritual experience.

Lena wanted me to know that she chose to come to Earth this way, so that she could learn and grow. She also chose her birth mom because she wants to help her. She has a deep love for her. She also wanted me to know that she knows she is coming to our family, and she is excited. She wanted me to know that she will always have energetic ties her birth family and that part of her mission on Earth is to heal that family tree. I knew that the energy work we were doing right then was the beginning of that process. Wow. What a privilege to be part of that.

I began doing a healing meditation each day--sending lots of love and healing to J and to Lena. I asked God to place a protective shield around them. I asked healing angels to perform miracles on them, to nurture and protect them. And I know that He has.

We flew to another state to wait for baby, and there met with J’s mom and sister. They were so nice, and they told us a lot about J. They told us that she has a really big heart, and that she loves everyone. She is truly a compassionate soul. If she sees a homeless person, she wants to help them, and weeps for days if she is unable to help. She is very social, a people-person, and loves everyone. She is extremely intelligent, with an IQ of 160. She loves to travel and try new things.

The case worker told us that J. went through dozens and dozens of family profiles. She picked ours first--we were her number one choice. She loved that we value education, that we travel a lot, and that we love the cultural diversity in our area. She told the case worker: “This is Leo’s little sister.”

They told us that J. would be transported from the prison to the hospital for just a very short time. She would be shackled to the bed, and a guard would be at the door. That broke my heart. She couldn’t have her mom or a friend there to help her during the delivery. She would be feeling so alone and scared. That made my heart break. It was so cruel.

That night I woke up at 3:00 a.m. and was thinking about J. and the baby. And then the most wonderful thing occurred to me. There is a picture on my Vision Board of some children, with the phrase “Liberate the Captives.” This comes from my favorite scripture in Jacob 2:19: “And after ye have obtained a hope in Christ ye shall obtain riches, if ye seek them; and ye will seek them for the intent to do good—to clothe the naked, and to feed the hungry, and to liberate the captive, and administer relief to the sick and the afflicted.

This scripture became my mantra about a year ago, as I was building my business. God told me that it was okay to build a successful business, if my intent was to do good. Truly, my vision is to clothe the naked, feed the hungry, and particularly those last two--administer to the sick and afflicted (with essential oils) and to liberate the captive (which had meant, for me, advocating adoption--truly the liberation of innocent little babies from captivity).

I have this scripture on my wall, and I think about it constantly. In fact, part of it is on my Vision Board (Liberate the Captives) because I want to start a foundation that advocates adoption. It is part of my mission on this earth. I want to help as many babies as I can. So, that night, as I thought about baby Lena, I realized that she was in prison right at that very moment. We were liberating her from captivity, literally. I was stunned and overcome with emotion, and gratitude for God’s tender mercies.

I told all this to Felice, and she told me that Mukunday is one of the names of God and means "Liberator" and that I might want to look up a mantra called Har Har Mukunday. I realized that I had a mantra with the word Mukunday in it that I had been chanting in my head for weeks. I couldn’t get that line out of my head. I have heard Felice say that mantras have embedded within them the ability to bring you everything you need, even when you don’t know what you need. Again, I was astounded at the wondrousness of God. He was caring for Lena and caring for us during every part of this journey.

 I also realized that intentionality is powerful. That Vision Boards are powerful. Whatever we envision, we can create. And the The Word is powerful. God answers our prayers and guides us along our path if we stay close to Him and co-create our lives with Him.

Our baby is due any day now, and we can’t wait to welcome her into our family. I know that many more miracles are ahead. A year ago, I could not have imagined the inspiration, and miracles that are now a part of my everyday life. I really am more enlightened and so much more in-tune. I know it’s because of my daily meditation practice and that I am making time to really connect with God each morning. I am so grateful for this ancient technology of Kundalini Yoga and meditation. I truly believe that “all truth can be circumscribed into one great whole.” Kundalini complements and strengthens my testimony of the restored Gospel, my faith in Christ, and my relationship with Him. It has changed my life. It has changed me. Wahe Guru!

They did get their baby a few days after this, and she is perfect. Mandi will have to write more about all the miracles since then. 

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Melt Down

Last week I finished writing my book. This was one of the most humbling processes of my life. For the last few weeks I got up at 4 am every morning (about an hour earlier than normal) to do my sadhana and then and spent every possible hour working on the book to meet the God-given deadline. After the daylight time change I was really messed up and was staying up till midnight (much later than normal) and still getting up at 4. Somehow I was given the grace to do this. I was aided by so many helpers and miracles. 

It was a spiritual high. But also a crumbling, ego crushing experience. I read the definition of contrite recently and the latin root means: crushed, crumbled, worn away. And i feel like that was what was happening to my ego. I had to rely on God for everything. For each word. It's weird how you can be crumbled and also feel so good. 

Then on Thursday when it was all done (but for a few details that seemed to be the proverbial straw that send the camel into a hissy fit) I had a total melt down. I woke up with two headaches and the worst attitude. I'm pretty sure it was due to lack of sleep and some subconscious stuff that creeped up in my blind spot. I realized that my moms birthday was coming up, and for some reason her birthday is always way more emotional than her death day. And I realized this is the 25th year I have lived without her. 

So I visited the grave-- something I haven't been into in the past, but it seemed right, and I now live close to it, so we went. I bought flowers at a stand right next to the cemetery. That stand has been there since I can remember. My dad used to buy flowers there when we went as kids to visit her grave. I had never actually bought flowers there myself. The air was heavy with scents and I was heavy with memories. I couldn't barely speak as I paid for them. 

At the grave, I felt sort of like I should throw myself on the ground and weep, but I couldn't muster the energy or drama. But I did feel like I could meditate so I did the full moon version of Sa Re Sa Sa, even though it was the day before the full moon. As I moved my hands up into a lotus flower and then back down, I started to cry. This is the cycle of life. There is a rising, a growing, an opening, and then there is a descending, aging, death, and then from the earth, there is birth again. Phoebe did the mediation with me for a while and then she became absorbed in a lady bug who was having a hard time tucking in his inner wing with the wind blowing on him. He finally got it and flew away and another lady bug joined us. Then another. I'm sure it was my mother and her parents, also buried there. 

I wanted to feel good after this, but I still felt bad. I knew there was some generational healing that needed to happen that day but I couldn't focus because there was a tractor making a huge racket about three rows over. So we left.  

I could feel my ego trying to reconstruct itself. The whole purpose of an ego is to cover up all the horrible things you are afraid are true about yourself (or that Satan wants you think are true). So you create this facade that is the opposite of what you fear. But neither are true of course and neither are as great as your true self. 

That night I went to a dinner at church. I was in a horrible mood and I was doubting that they would have anything I could eat (Church dinners are notoriously non-vegetarian, over emphasis on desert and generally all around low quality food.) In the past, at other such events, I have thrown a fit and made a scene about there not being any food that I could eat. It's not the best way to make an impression, but it does make one. (I used to get very grouchy when hungry, and so there was very little self control.)  This time, I was worried that I was spiraling to this old pattern. Luckily they actually had food I could eat! and they ate relatively one time. (I talked to our bishop a few months before about having vegetarian food at functions and he was agreeable. Looks like he passed the word on. Yay!) But I noticed that my attitude only slightly improved.

I cast out the devil a few times, but still couldn't shake the funk. That night when I called Lani to cry about it she pointed out some things that were obvious to her, but not to me. First, she has known me a long time. She has seen in various settings and she noticed that when we went to White Tantric Yoga, or the Winter Solstice Event, I radiated love to everyone present. But she noticed that the few times we have gone to church together, I am different. Where did Felice go? She wondered. I put up a wall at church and church functions. Not with Mormons, but and "mormon functions" I seem to revert back to my 12 year old self.

I realized it was true. I actually feel more comfortable and full of love at the Sikh Ashram or the Hari Krishna Temple or the hippie peace stick ceremony than I do at my own church. And I realized it is because this is old stuff. Church is like family, and your family is often who triggers you the most. Though I adore the gospel and treasure my membership in the church, I sometimes have a hard time at churchy functions.

I realized that this pattern had gone on long enough and it was time to clear the childhood triggers around church stuff so I could be my true self there. So I guided Lani in how to guide me into an imagery journey. The journey was life changing. I won't write all about it because it's personal and it's mine, but here is what I will share:

God wants all of you. Even your temper tantrums. He will hold the space for your ranting and raving and still love you and pick you up off the floor when your are done and hug you. He can take it. So give it to him.

The next day at church I felt like a new born babe, vulnerable on the one hand without my shield, but totally protected by my Mother and Father. And I was able to see deep into the soul of everyone there. It was eye opening, sad, beautiful.

This is the quote that Lani sent me the next day. I think it is fitting:

"With eyes to see, we find that we are participants in a highly interactive universe, a dynamic laboratory, in which the Governing Powers lead us and even provoke us to 'be conformed to the image of [God's] Son" (Romans 8:29). To this end, the Lord, knowing what we do not yet understand about our own soul, what has not yet been healed or resolved in us, allows circumstances and events to provoke the tutorials which will set us free in love." (M. Catherine Thomas, Light in the Wilderness, p. 164). 

Though I think I am still healing and still grieving, it is moving through me. I reminded myself this morning that it won't last forever, as we often forget when we are in the middle of things. I am so grateful for all of this. Wahe Guru.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Last Chapter

Did I just vlog? Yes I have done it twice now. Crazy. But it's way faster than writing today.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Look what came today!

It's an eggplant purple Enduro travel case for my gong. Now I just need the gong to arrive. And I need to figure out how to put wheels on this thing. 

Monday, March 3, 2014


Last weekend I went to Arizona to attend White Tantric Yoga and while I was there I did a special 2 hour Rebirthing workshop and Gong Meditation on the Thursday night before in Mesa. The event sold out. It was awesome. People didn't want to go home after, I think they were all pretty high. For some reason the pictures I took were lost by my technology. This is the only picture that survived. But I have many beautiful mental images. Such lovely women there.

Friday I spent some time with Lani on South Mountain taking pictures for my book and the kids played.

WTY Saturday was totally epic. I have written about it before, but it is basically an 8 hour day of meditation. There are 6-8 meditations (31 or 62 min) with breaks in between. The benefits of this particular style of mediation and the group dynamic are said to give you same benefits as if you meditated in a cave for 10 years. I made Lani come with me this time as a my partner. She said it was kind of like a marathon for yogis. In a way it is. Only I haven't heard of any marathons with those benefits. When I came home that night I was tired, but felt totally pure and cleaned out. I slept better than I ever have and I woke up feeling totally peaceful and grateful for everything and it has lasted.

Wahe Guru.

When I got home I found out that I will be going back to Arizona again soon because I have been asked to present at the Arizona Whole-istic Living Conference April 26, 2014. So if you live in AZ or near there or want to go there in April, check out this awesome conference. I will be presenting a class called Happy Healthy Holy: The Kundalini Yoga Meditation Experience. It will be some learning and some hands on experience.

I will also be playing the gong during the lunch hour if you feel like coming just for the gong nap. Here is the link to get tickets early and save. Sat Nam.