Thursday, August 10, 2017

What "My Husband Said No" Really Means




I have heard it before, but lately I feel like I have heard "My husband said no" an awful lot more than usual. It's even on t-shirts. And not just husbands, but wives saying no, and parents, and even "God said no."


What's this all about? You have heard people say it. Maybe you have said it.

I have been pondering it and being curious and here are potential things that I think it might mean:

1. "I am afraid to tell you no so I am blaming it on my husband/wife/parents/God."

2. "I am powerless because I have given my power away to others to make decisions for me. This is because: a) I am afraid of making the wrong decision; b) I don't trust myself;  c) I don't trust others; d) if something goes wrong I am not to blame; e) all of the above.

3. "I am angry at my husband/wife/parents etc because anger at them is easier than looking at the truth about my life and my choices. I get to be a victim, which gives me a kind of power and is comfortable and it keeps me safe from something much scarier which is change and the unknown."

There might be other variations. But this is what I could come up with from my own life experience. This is one of the reasons I stopped blogging for a while. (By they way, this is my way of saying I'm back! Or as back as I feel like being.)

I stopped blogging because it was taking up a lot of my creative energy and I wanted to focus on my novel and my other creative pursuits. For years I hadn't let myself go down that amazingly unknown path of living fully in my creative power. I didn't have a husband, so I blamed God for this self abuse. I told myself that God needed me to write a book, etc etc. But the truth is, the whole time God was supportive of anything I wanted to do and I often heard the Spirit encourage me to pursue my creative writing. But I was the one who couldn't let myself. And so I had to stop blogging for a while because it was too tempting and easy to get sucked into the old pattern of blogging a lot and having no time for writing. So now I hope to be able to stay balanced. BTW, my novel is coming along fabulously. My characters are all very alive and won't let me bail on them now.

The truth is, God doesn't say no.  There is a beautiful and fun poem you can find in Poetry 180 called  "God Says Yes to Me." I sometimes read it to clients.

God Says Yes To Me

I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
or not wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do just exactly
what you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it even okay if I don't paragraph
my letters
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I'm telling you is
Yes Yes Yes
—Kaylin Haught
We are here to make choices. God is giving you a big fat yes. That's what life is about. So when we give away our power to another person or a make believe version of God, we are not saying Yes! to life.



I'm not suggesting that people tell their husband/wife/parents that they don't care what they think and are going to go do xyz anyway. Relationships are about communication. The big changes started with me when I started to speak differently. Instead of saying "God told me to do..." I started saying something like "I consulted with my Soul/God and I decided."

Or instead of "my husband said no," one could say any one of the three options above- which ever feels most true. And see what happens when you speak truth. There are great support groups to help people just like all of us who go through this! 12 steps programs, communication classes, relationship classes, etc. I have been to my share of 12 step meetings. They have merit. It's about recovery--recovering one's true identity and power to act for one's self. It is beautiful and freeing and you can be safe in the process.

If you need help reach out. Much love.  NJ



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