Monday, December 16, 2019

How NOT To Liquify Your Internal Organs and Other Soul Guidelines

Two months ago I wrapped up (for the most part) the monumental undertaking that was Level 1 Kundalini Yoga teacher training in Idaho. AND I finished and submitted my graduate thesis two weeks later. And then I crashed and burned.
Grad thesis and cake.

Me with our two lead trainers Dharam Dev and Siri Marka at the graduation ceremony.

This is what people don't know about people who sometimes achieve the alchemical state called Radiation: We can radiate like the sun, but the sun doesn't feel its own warmth. The center of the sun is cold and dark. Okay maybe not factually. I am not scientifically certain about the center of the sun. But imagine it is. That's the idea. Lonely. Cold. Dark. Even though we are transforming and shedding light on others. It's a rare and magical thing to radiate, and also not sustainable for very long, as you can guess why. So I crashed. Or maybe it was just spiritual blowback after such a high from all the good vibes of the training and associating with other wonderful trainers. Who cares why.  The point is, I needed repairs.

So I sunk into "the below" which feels like hell but really, truly, it's Heaven South. It looks like burn-out or like a dark night of the soul, but really you are just being worked on by angels. Obsolete desires are being transmuted as your will is reconstructed.

All I could do at this time was read novels and lay in the hammock. I also ate some cake. I tried to feel better and reached out for others to make me better now but mostly all attempts to feel better made me feel worse so I just kept reading a novel.

Then slowly I felt the burn-out burning away and the breakdown to breakthrough---slowly. Or it felt really slow. I have this thing about time. People born ahead of the time often have a patience issue. But that is another story.

My thoughts all this last year have been turned to writing and how I want to spend more time doing it. My poetry manuscript is finished and been submitted for publication around the world and I've been finishing my novel (enjoying this immensely) and a few months ago I had two non-fiction book proposals come to me that I realize need to get out.

So, upon finishing Level 1 and crashing, the thought of doing another Level 1 next year felt unaligned. As soon as I decided to postpone it a year and spend the year writing, I felt good.

I have been feeling my way along by what feels better and what feels worse. As I feel better and better I realize my soul has been speaking to me. I'm a writer. My soul knows it. Kundalini Yoga is not the purpose of my life, it is an amazing tool to help me achieve my purpose without so much suffering.  Just today I was randomly thinking about Elvis, and then about all artists and how much artists suffer.  People born ahead of their time often suffer because of being in a world not as sensitive as them, and many people born ahead of the time are artists. I wondered if suffering was a requirement for artists. As I was thinking this, I heard the voice of my Soul say, "That's why I gave you Yoga, so you don't have to suffer so much."

That gave me a lot of happiness and gratitude. I still feel bad for Poe and Hemmingway and the others, but I can't do much for them now. I can help myself and not live out their lives of mental illness and poverty.

If you are wondering, the voice of the Soul is no different than the voice of God.

What I have learned is that when you ignore the Soul and its guidance, it's basically self-betrayal. And if you think about someone who betrays you. You don't feel very good about them. Whether you know it or not, this self-loathing or self-attacking that you do subconsciously after self-betrayal can be deadly. If you keep it up, it will liquifying all the internal organs. I believe self-attack is the emotional root of all autoimmune disorders.

Curing soul betrayal is the simplest and most difficult thing in the world. You just have to listen to the Soul and walk back to where you got off track and then keep listening to the Soul and keep on track. Maybe slowly, but eventually you'll find you are living a life that feels like a flow of bliss. I'm not exaggerating. There are still dishes to do and the grumpy teenagers in your life, but woah. Living one's personal legend is way better than pretending you don't have one and hating yourself for it.

This week I did a hukum in the scriptures and I opened to Revelations 2:4 and was shocked.

Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first alove.

I felt that my Soul, through John, was talking to me about my first love, writing. Of course I know he's talking about Jesus Christ here, but I was doing a hukum and art was on my mind. The following scripture was:

Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy acandlestick out of his place, except thou brepent. 
So... repentance--it feels great! Instead of stealing time for my writing, I have gone back to my first love wholeheartedly and carved out a writing schedule that feels good. I turn OFF the phone. And I shut off the internet. That's how books get written.  I love this. And I finally know how to teach repentance.

And this has helped me love teaching and seeing clients even more. I think for a few weeks I had this all-or-nothing mentality. But it doesn't have to be that way. As long as I make art, I can do whatever I want after. And I find that I still really love teaching yoga and gathering people and helping my hypnotherapy clients with all their transformation. It's still a thrill.

Back to the all-or-nothing thought. As I went hammock sitting and reading and listening to all kinds of thoughts flying around, my Soul began to nudge me to evaluate a lot of them. I realized that I had tons of unhelpful beliefs about God and art and money. So I'm getting an update on that program. I still don't know how it will look when the update is complete.

I realize that my life may not look any different on the outside right now to other people, but I feel like it has had (and still undergoing) a complete overhaul. It feels physically impossible for me to do anything that my Soul doesn't want me to do. If I even try I just get stuck and angry. So I am doing a lot of things that bring me joy. But I am also having to totally surrender, because some things don't make sense and not bring me joy in the immediate moment. And surrender puts me on that fine line between relief and crazy nerve-wracking angst. I trust, though, that it will turn out better than I can even imagine.
Did I mention my daughter also did the teacher training. She is the youngest certified teacher in the world.
I am so happy she and others like her are the future. 




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