Saturday, May 19, 2012

Breaking In Positive Change

Baseball Mitts 
I was feeling a little bit of anxiety that first day of the Virtual Book Tour, and I thought it was about the book, but I realized it was really about the brave thing I did a few days before. So for the past week I have been breathing through these feelings. I realized that the undercurrent of anxiety I was feeling was not about the actual thing I let go of, but about being free from a long held negative pattern.

It's hard to admit that this positive change was creating anxiety, but this is how the mind works and I was getting a real taste of it. It's uncomfortable to let go of old knowns even if they are negative, the mind sees knowns as pleasure and unknowns as pain! And here I was feeling the pain of positive change.

I wanted the discomfort gone, of course, as soon as as possible. But my lessons these last few months have been about sitting with things and allowing myself to feel them. As my dear mentor told me, any time you put on something new, whether it is a pair of jeans or a baseball mitt, it's stiff at first. But over time, it begins to conform to your body--rather than you conforming to it--and pretty soon it is the most comfortable thing you want to put on.

Thinking of my favorite jeans or a baseball mitt feels good to me. I can sit with that. I have had a few more days of discomfort and may have more, but I see now how life is begging to conform to me now, rather than me conforming and reacting to an old story. It is starting to feel more comfortable. 

I wish I could give more concrete details. Maybe one day I will, but for now I'm feeling private.

Have you ever made a positive change and experienced discomfort afterwards?


  1. Definitely. It's been many moons now since you challenged your blog readers to strive to make leaps in personal progress. And not just any ol' leaps, but quantum leaps. I took that challenge and so my life has been a series of steps into uncomfy "jeans" and steps back because of low strength for "holding in my gut" to wear the jeans. Anyway... I've asked the Lord to let me have a time of calm and peace because I feel unable to handle additional tumult of the mental, emotional, or other kind right now. I'm going to work on quantum leaping some more soon, though. :)

  2. Tori. I love that you took me up on that challenge. Two steps forward and one back is sort of the way of things with change, as we confront and then retreat from our patterns, and that pattern itself. And that is okay. I think it has prepared you for 2012 and all that God knew would be here for you now. But yes, it can be tumultuous. It is good to rest and be thankful sometimes. And sometimes being very still is actually a quantum leap. It is not outward, but it affects everything outwardly. That's what I'm seeing. I am going to write more about this soon...

  3. Now I'm wondering... what is my anxiety really about? Hmmm... And I'd like the Lord to give me a time of calm and peace for awhile too, Tori!!

  4. To answer your question, yes, I have. I love the analogy. You always make me think. I'm wondering right now how many times I have resisted the stiffness of positive change. Very thought provoking.

  5. Yes, even good changes are still changes and getting used to them takes time. I like the idea of thinking of them as a new pair of jeans or baseball glove. Knowing over time things will get better.